one for the books

i'm on a job hunt. i graduate from the university of alabama in TWO weeks (seriously where did the time go?) with a master's degree in advertising and public relations ... and i'm going to need a job. like, yesterday.

i think it's safe to say i have a few good leads at the moment...one with chick-fil-a in atlanta (i would be the luckiest girl alive if offered that job) and one with an advertising agency here in birmingham. in the meantime, i'm still interning at the mountain brook chamber of commerce under the direction of suzan doidge (who is super connected to anyone and everyone and super friendly) and am gaining as much experience there as i possibly can.

this journey of job hunting lead me to connect with a "marketing and public relations" company that is sorta in  birmingham and sorta in columbus, ga (psh. who knows) and i MUST tell of this experience. i won't reveal the name of the company as not to completely embarrass them but good heavens almighty. i just have to tell this story.

i received a phone call a few weeks ago and was told i had been selected "out of a pool of more than 100 people" to go through the interview process which included a phone interview and then a real-life interview. i scheduled and went through the phone interview and was told to wait for another phone call if in fact i was selected for a real-life interview which would be a "HUGE honor since only four out of more than 150 would be chosen" ...

well guess what.

dude on the phone told me that my real-life interview would take place at .......... the sam's club in hoover.

excuse me? ... apparently dude read my mind ...

"that's where we hold a few of our events, so you'll get the chance to see what you'll actually be doing along with the interview" ... obviously, i knew going into this that something was SUPER fishy ... but that didn't stop me from going. one can never have enough interview experience, right?

so, i walk my happy professional self into sam's (suit, portfolio, the works. looking completely out of place in you know, this warehouse filled literally to the ceiling of wild amounts of bubble gum and bulks of frozen shrimp).

dude meets me at the "event". now let me just clarify. this is not an event. this is a table covered in a orange plastic tarp piled high with 50 cardboard boxes. inside the boxes one would find little bags filled with water that contain a small metal disk that when bent makes the water bag hot and "provides relief for all sorts of muscular pain".

i wish i was kidding.

dude doesn't explain all of this until later though. after shaking his hand, he leads me to the area of sam's where the furniture is displayed. down we sit at a table (a table that's for sale, mind you) placed right in front of a large widescreen tv (also for sale) that is displaying the one and only lion king. as dude begins to speak the following fills the furniture area:



i'm not exaggerating when i say i had to literally swallow my laughter. i felt like ashton kutcher would pop out at any second and reveal i had been punked. but that didn't happen. instead, dude started asking me a bunch of questions that were actually normal and expected. then he proceeded to go into his ... what i've started to refer as .... monologue.

he begins by giving a little info about himself. the only thing that came out of his mouth that is even worth mentioning ... dude (who for some reason told me he was 26) has his degree from the university of texas in electrical engineering.

again, wish i was kidding.

(at one point during the interview he asked me why i thought i was qualified for the job and i said [probably with an attitude], "well i have my MASTER'S DEGREE in ADVERTISING AND PUBLIC RELATIONS which might help") ... couldn't help it.

dude then begins by telling me the difference between direct and indirect marketing which i sorta found offensive. i mean, i can understand him going into detail about why this wire connected with that wire would start a fire ... but don't sit there and tell me the difference between direct and indirect marketing, you electrician you ... and even if you DO decide to explain these differences to me ... maybe you should actually be correct in your definitions ...

dude defined indirect marketing as "television, radio, billboard, magazine, traditional avenues of advertising". he defined direct marketing as "face-to-face interaction with consumer".

not exactly accurate.

he went on to say that television advertising is too expensive, no one watches commercials anyway, and there's no way to see how many people are viewing the actual ad. he also said that no one reads magazines or newspapers anymore so using those mediums would be pointless. therefore, he said, "direct marketing is our preferred style of marketing, because in direct marketing situations, you are face to face with the consumer and you know EXACTLY how many people are exposed to your product". that's why they choose places like sam's and costco to advertise their products. because so many people come through those doors everyday. so they have "events" and try to sell the product by randomly approaching customers and asking them if they had ever seen anything like the product before. you know, every PR professional's dream job. 

and because i answered one of his interview questions by saying, "i feel one of my best traits is the fact that i can talk to anyone and everyone about anything. i enjoy getting to know other people" ... he told me i needed to prove it and approach five customers in the store and market the water bag with the metal disk in it.

so i was the girl in the hoover sam's club taking random people aside and showing them the wonder of the little bag of water with the metal disk that when bent heats up and soothes any and every kind of muscular pain....much like that chinese lady in the galleria who grabs random women and forces them to sit down in her chair and straps a crystal butterfly hair extension on their head

after i had approached five poor souls and had unsuccessfully demonstrated the little water bag's features (don't worry it wasn't my fault. the metal disks weren't bending properly), dude takes me back to the for sale table and says, "so i bet you're wondering why we're hiring more people, aren't you?" (in the background the sound of the moving tractor things in sams filled the air ... sounding very much like ...... )



at this point, i knew that this scenario was only going to result in an awesome blog post and a fun story to tell my friends and family so i quit being professional and was just my natural normal self. i mean, come on.

i answered him and said, "no. i'm not wondering. i'm pretty sure i know why you're hiring more people".
he looked at me stunned and said, "you do? oh. well tell me."
"you're looking for more people because you told me in my phone interview that you are getting more clients and therefore, need more employees", i said.

dude's eyes lit up and his face appeared as if he had just witnessed a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat. he said, "wow. no one has ever got that right before."

is this a joke? really? REALLY?

he then asks me if i had any questions for him, which i did. i had one question that i really wanted the answer to.

i said, "yeah, what does this job pay?"

he shrugs his shoulders and says, "well, sometimes it depends on how many hours you work. and sometimes it depends on how much product you sale. and sometimes its a combination of both. so really it's up to you".

... oh okay. thanks for that.

FINALLY, dude shakes my  hand again and tells me that it was nice to meet me and that i need to keep an eye out on my inbox for the job offer.

well, fortunately for me, they only had my auburn email address which is an address i don't have the password to anymore and physically cannot check. so who knows if they offered me a job or not.

but that all really happened.

and here's what i take from it:

i have absolutely no problems accepting a job that i'm over qualified for. if it's with an amazing company and i have the opportunity to work my way up, i'm there. sign me up. i'm not going to be a snot with job offers. i can't afford to be.

but i did NOT get my master's degree to sell little water bags at costco....and after the telling of this story, i don't feel the need to defend such a statement.

cow sigma moo

a few days ago, one of my bestest friends received a phone call with exciting news.

ladies and gentlemen ... lisa primiani has been appointed the national collegiate membership director for phi mu (such a mouthful, no?)


i just so happened to be in the car with her when she got the call and homegirl FREAKED out. i mean, she fought back tears, did some yelling, almost forgot to pay the chickfila lady as we left the drive through, etc.

insanity.

i'm super happy for her because it makes her happy. i've never seen her so excited before (except when she saw all 2,487 of her friends at ken's in tallahassee) ... but this tugged at my heartstrings, i will admit.

and for me to say that about phi mu related activity, is a big deal.

see, lisa lives and breathes for phi mu. she's obsessed with it. she bathes in it. she's always said that her blood is more of a pinkish color than it is red and she refers to everyone as "sister". she decided a few weeks ago that her new life goal was to be the godmother of my future children and raise them to be just like her ... phi mu's in the making. she's even completed my future daughter's rec for rush. i kid you not.

i, on the other hand, attended auburn and had ZERO desire to be in a sorority. i was a punk with a serious attitude. i was mad at the world (my mom was about to get remarried and i wasn't really handling it that well) and i didn't want anyone (girls my own age for that matter) telling me what to do. in fact, i judged and hated and loathed every sorority girl i came in contact with at auburn (at least for the first two years). my handful of girlfriends and i didn't need alpha gamma theta sigmas. so there.

on my very first day of attending class here at ua, this girl lisa introduced herself to the class.

"hey everyone. my name is lisa and i attended florida state university where i was apart of the phi mu sorority"

great. this is just great. i already hate a classmate, i thought. what a snot. a phi mu. gross.

long story short ... lisa (or as me and the rest of the group call her ... the leesears) is now one of my bestest friends.

now ... back to the day of the phone call.

after she hangs up, we head back to her apartment to consume our ever wonderful, ever divine chickfila.

after stuffing our faces, in honor of the moment, the leesears changes into this really sweet phi mu/'merica tank that i actually really really loved. it made her look alot like harvey updyke's daughter. it was kinda wonderfully horrible.

i said, "hey leesears. i want a shirt like that. i want a neon pink one."

leesears says, "amy, you can't have one. you aren't a phi mu" ... very much sounding like ...



this sparked a debate. leesears went onto to explain that it's not okay for people to go around wearing greek letters when they aren't greek....

"if i saw someone wearing phi mu letters," she said,  "i'd think they are my sister and would say something to them, you know? it's like a connection that you can't pretend to be apart of" ... okay, well those weren't her exact words but it was something like that.

obviously, if someone is going to tell me i can't do something ... i'm going to make it happen. that's just asking for it.

SO, i've decided to develop my own sorority that will be active at AUBURN UNIVERSITY only!!

introducing .... cow sigma moo. 

and because only really awesome "it" girls are cow sigma moos ... i've developed a rigid, but do-able list of rules for every cow sigma moo to follow. the rules may seem harsh, but it's only to ensure that we have the BEST of the BEST.

RULES OF THE COW SIGMA MOO

1. all hair must be natural colored. if your hair is dyed a natural color and your roots show, then you have to go dumpster diving twice a week to fetch out coupons so we can save money on our kitchen budget.
2. you must shave your legs everyday and your armpits every other day. no one likes a hairy cow moo.
3. you must always have three David Yurman bracelets on at all times.
4. if you eat more calories than the equivalent of a banana and a cup of yogurt for breakfast, then you must make yourself throw up at least four times before lunch.
5. all muffin tops and camel toes will result in immediate dismissal from the cow sigma moo sorority
6. as do chapped lips
7. you must always order a salad when eating out ... and the dressing must always contain either "fat free" or "reduced fat" or "light" adjectives ... and it must always be on the side. just to ensure we don't take up on calories. just because we are cow moos, doesn't mean we need to ingest extra lard, ladies.
8. all cow moos are restricted from even darkening the door of a thrift store. a consignment store is okay but your purchases can only be labeled Michael Kors, Chanel, Lily Pultizer and/or Tory Burch. Absolutely NO Charlotte Rouse or Xhilirtation allowed inside the cow sigma moo house. ever.
9. we prefer you buy any and all grocery's from Publix or Whole Foods. But if that's not possible and you absolutely HAVE to go to a Wal-mart or Target, make sure you put a bag over your head so you won't be seen and NEVER EVER EVER purchase Great Value or Arbor Hill brands. those are poor people brands.  and we are NOT poor cow moos, are we?
10. And finally, you must have at least 10 xxl neon t-shirts, 12 Nike Tempo shorts, 1 pair of Jack Rogers, 3 pairs of Chacos, 1 pair of Uggs and 100 leggings to even be considered during rush. if you don't have all of the above, then it's best to walk away.

i'm pitching my new sorority idea to auburn within a matter of days.

thoughts anyone?